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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22577509">I Just Kinda Wanna Die.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zenitrix/pseuds/Zenitrix'>Zenitrix</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>: ), Depression, F/M, I'm just really depressed right now, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Trans Michael Mell, but im getting better, this is honestly just a vent fic, vent - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 11:20:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>993</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22577509</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zenitrix/pseuds/Zenitrix</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Really, nothing was going right for Michael Mell. </p><p>Hell, </p><p>Michael just wanted to die.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Christine Canigula/Jeremy Heere, Rich Goranski/Michael Mell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>68</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I Just Kinda Wanna Die.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Michael sat curled up on his couch, staring at his phone </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Jakey-Cakey: </b>
  <em>
    <span>I’m sorry. It just makes me uncomfortable...</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Michael pursed his lips. It wasn’t his fault he was so touchy. He wasn’t used to having more friends than just Jeremy. And with Jeremy, he could be as touchy as he wanted. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Tall Glass of Crystal Pepsi: </b>
  <em>
    <span>I’m sorry. I’m so so so so so so sorry. I’m just used to it, dude. I’ll keep my distance. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Michael put his phone to the side, not even bothering to wait for a reply. He'd made Jake uncomfortable. And he probably would continue to. It was only a matter of time until he hated him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And Rich always teasing him on how weak he was. It wasn't  his fault he was born too skinny, in the wrong body. Too weak to even lift 10 pounds. That's not the kind of friend Rich wanted. No matter how much Michael liked him. Rich didn't really care about him. Rich didn't want him around. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And Jeremy, His best friend for life, he was always so busy with Christine, or school, or his new friends. He didn't want to hang out anymore. He didn't want Michael anymore.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Christine was nice, but it was obvious that behind her nice facade, that he was just some background character. He didn’t matter. And she didn’t care. Neither did Jenna, or Chloe. Why should they? Why would they want a loser like him around? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Brooke was kind hearted, and giggly, and seemed to enjoy Michael’s company. And Michael enjoyed hers. At this point, she seemed to be the only one to make him truly smile. But the thing was, would her life really be any different without him? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sometimes, Michael felt like he was trying too hard, that no matter how relatable he was, everyone always seemed to give a glare. So he stopped trying. And then people seemed to hate him more. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So what was the right answer? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Michael walked over to his bed, curling up in the middle of it. Nothing seemed to matter. No one seemed to care. Only a few minutes later, his mother came downstairs. “ Micha- Michael Mell! Your room is a Mess!” Michael looked up, looking around. It really wasn’t. His mother was just a clean freak. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But her saying that, made Michael worry. And before he could even get a word out, his mother was back upstairs, without even saying what she was going to say. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And it didn’t help that a few minutes later, he could hear her ordering dinner. Chinese. She didn’t even ask what he wanted. Did she not care? Of course she didn’t. Why would she care about a disappointment. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I mean, He really was a disappointment. Ina ran her own business. Mom was an Author. His two Older sisters were in Business school. Mack was planning on being A Lawyer. Buck was already creating really high quality video games. And Nik and Naomi were too young to really decide what they wanted to be. But, what did Michael want to do? He didn’t know. He had no plans. He really was a failure. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Really, nothing was going right for Michael Mell. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hell, </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Michael just wanted to die. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But he’d never admit that to anyone. They didn’t need to deal with that too. On top of all of his annoying bullshit. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eventually, Michael found the strength in himself to stand up. Deciding the best thing for his self esteem right now would be a quick shower. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So Michael walked into his little bathroom, that desperately needed a good scrub to the floors, and pulled his clothes off. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He tried not to look this time. He really did. But the image of himself in the mirror, his body covered in scars… Michael always looked. And it hurt. He hated seeing them. On his chest, on his arms and legs. He hated them. He just wanted to be normal. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eventually, Michael was able to will himself to look away, and hop into the shower. He stayed in there for a good while. But eventually, had to get out. No matter how cold the air was around him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Michael got out, got dressed, and headed upstairs. Dinner was on the counter. They hadn’t even bothered to call him. And now, with his big family, there was barely any left. But Michael didn’t mind. He wasn’t even hungry anyway. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So he just grabbed a coke and headed back downstairs. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Once he made it downstairs, he grabbed his phone from the couch, flopping down onto his bed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>FlaminHotCheetos: </b>
  <em>
    <span>Lol, U dumb bitch, </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>FlaminHotCheetos: </b>
  <em>
    <span>Love u tho homie. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Michael stared at the message for a minute. He knew Rich was joking. He knew Rich said Love u. But part of him couldn’t help but focus on the “ dumb Bitch “ Part. Because that’s what Michael was. He was kinda just a dumb bitch. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Tall Glass Of Crystal Pepsi: </b>
  <em>
    <span>Yeah, love you too… </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Michael put his phone down again, just kinda staring up at the ceiling. He seemed to hurt everyone around him. Nobody cared about him. He was a failure. His family hated him. So why was he even alive? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had nothing to offer. No one would notice if he was gone. And if they did, they wouldn’t care. Hell, they’d be glad. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But Michael was terrified. Terrified to die. He’d tried to die before. Many times, actually, but each time, he was too scared to do anything. So he just ended up throwing his note in a box and crying himself to sleep. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’d only gone through with it once. And, obviously, He wasn’t dead. But he definitely put a dent in his mom's funding with his hospital bills. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So Michael was too scared to kill himself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And if he wasn’t. He’d be too scared of what would happen if he were to survive. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So yeah. Michael’s life was kinda shit. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And he couldn’t even end it. </span>
</p>
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